Friday, August 26, 2011

Us Crazy Methane Men

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. And, in my continued goal to talk about things nobody else does but we all share anyway, I bring you my presentation on farts.

Flatulence. Cutting the cheese. Passing wind. Lettin' 'er rip. We all do it (except girls, they never fart).

Seriously, nothing bad can come from this.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


I own a car. Therefore, I hate bikers. Hate the game, not the player. Or is it the other way? I've heard it both ways. Whatever. If you own a car, you hate bikers, if you bike, you hate car drivers. Fact of life. But, surprisingly, I'm not hear to bitch about those twats on wheels.


Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Don't Know If Hate

Want to hear me complain about something else I hate? No?

Oh. Sorry then, I'll stowell that's too goddamn bad here we go!

Bumper stickers. A few tasteful ones, that's cool. Shit like this? Needlessly uncool.

Because I wanted to know your political opinions and offspring's honor roll status while stuck in traffic

Monday, August 01, 2011

Trailers For A Blind Man

If there's one thing I just don't understand, it's this: action movie trailers on the radio.

Here, just go to Youtube and look up a trailer for any action movie you haven't seen. Now, close your eyes, and listen to it. Do you know what's going on? No, no you do not. Neither does anybody that listened to that on the radio. If you do know what's going on you're either e-Daredevil or a dirty cheater.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Bad Action Movie Ideas: Part 2

"Oooh, look at me, I'm debatably the greatest film of all tiiiime!" I don't think so. Why not? NEEDS MORE ACTION!

Part 2: Citizen Kane
Greatest film of all time? Only after I'm done with it.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Bad Action Movie Ideas: Part 1

You know what's good? Action movies. You know what's bad? Movies that shouldn't have action. Well that's too damn bad. I'm putting action into whatever movie I want.

Part 1: Schindler's List

Outstanding drama about the holocaust. Needs more action.

I tried to shoop a gun into his hand to no avail (read: laziness)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A Shitty Debate

I'm gonna let you guys in on something big. A surprising amount of people have never thought of this. It's something that may just rock your world upside-down! Told you the bowl you packed was too big, dude.

Ready for this?

Some people wipe their ass standing up.

And some people wipe their ass sitting down.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

And Now For Something (Possibly) Completely Different

Hold the hell on everybody, because there's about to be some MAD READER INTERACTIVITY HERE!

Well, no, not really, I just wanted opinions from you fine folks that actually read my ramblings. I'm thinking of switching around a few things with my blog. It'd be selfish for me to change things to my own preference if you readers enjoy something else. Plus I have terrible ideas and need sane people to judge it.

So, here are the issues I'm thinking of changing:

Thursday, July 14, 2011

East Man Variety Hour Sex Scandal/Divorce/Secret Child/Miscarriage/Illegal Drugs!!!

If I had the power to remove one concept from the world, it would be tabloids. (World hunger? Pfft, figure that out yourselves) If there was ever a waste of paper and even just mental energy, I think this is it. People like celebrities, and like to gossip about them. Fine. But the tabloids. Oh lord, the tabloids.

I was bored at work today, and decided to look at one of those magazines, because hey, pretty colors. I open up a page called "Just Like Us!" What, the celebrities? No shit, they're humans too. It got worse. "They shop for groceries!" Holy fuck, they eat food too? I never knew. "They take their kids to the park!" Yeah, some of them are actually good parents. Some. Teen Moms sucked as parents the second they didn't use a condom. "They go to the movies!" WOAH!


Monday, July 04, 2011

Furry Fetish? Frighteningly Fowl.

This has been messing with me for a while, but I'm not entirely sure if I want to find the answer. Furries. I don't even have to give a brief description, everyone who's ever used an internet before knows. If you haven't, please return to your Amish village, I think you are very lost.

What I'm trying to understand is why. Just... why. At what point in these people's lives do they make the preference switch to anthropomorphic animals?

Sunday, June 26, 2011

To Butthurt, Or Not To Butthurt

It seems that recently, 3 separate events happened that are apparently pissing people off. And I have no idea why. I'm an easy-going guy, but I can usually figure out why people raise hell about things. Not so, with these 3 cases.

#1: Team Fortress 2 is now Play For Free

Team Fortress 2, nearly 4 years after its release, was declared free to play. And if, god forbid, you don't know what that means, it means you don't have to buy it anymore, you can install and go at it. There are less features than the purchased version, but nothing all that notable.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Major Tom To Ground Control

I want to share a bit of mindfuckery* with you fine folks. Well, you may not enjoy it, as your mind has been fucked enough that you feel it no longer, but let's take a shot

The universe is a pretty big honkin' place, no? Nearly infinite.

On a scale of 1 to "holy shit that's expansive," it's a "my fragile little mind cannot comprehend this scale"

It's pretty safe to say that there's other life out there somewhere.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Where's The Memo About Me Being An Adult?

I laugh at immature jokes, I stay up 'til 3 in the morning playing video games, and I eat cereal for supper. I still feel like a teenager, but somewhere along the line, me being an adult slipped right in there. I pay bills, I budget my money, I work a full-time job, I have to clean my own house.

Seriously, why wasn't there a class for this? I mean, I picked it up over time (after overdue bills and piles of dishes higher than myself), but damn. This is an odd experience. Not that I regret it, because I can do the various things I said in the first sentence without my parents murdering me. Drive wherever I want. Decorate my house with doilies if I really wanted to (I don't want to). It's pretty chill.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Sepia and Helvetica and Plaid, Oh My!

Hipsters. An annoyance for some, an acceptance for others, and maybe even a connection for a few of you reading. Today, I have decided (for myself, since I have absolutely no sway or power) that the Hipster Hate has gone on long enough.

"You dirty hipster, East Man!" you may ponder. "NAY!" I ponder even louder back at you. Making fun of hipsters has just gotten boring now. Everyone's in on it now, and it's getting lame. We've heard all the jokes. We all know the niches of hipster culture, the phrases, etc. We need something new. And something new this way comes.

Think back a few years. Hipsters didn't exist. We've had a linear flow of subcultures to make fun of, the next one almost completely shadowing the previous. Remember making fun of emos, goths, skaters, ravers, metal heads, and all those other wacky ones I can't quite remember right now? Sure, there are remnants of jokes here and there, but the subculture mocking train is stopped squarely at Hipster Station right now (it's underground, you've probably never been there*). We need to move on to greener pastures, unsoiled by the cow turds of hate and jokes (wow that's a bad analogy).

So, I think we should invent a brand new subculture and then make fun of it. Who's down?

*See? Everyone's heard that one before

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

"That's Bush league, man"

Summer. Not a fan. Oh, wait? What's that? Summer hasn't even started yet? Someone tell this weather to get the fuck out until then.

"Oh man, not cool dude, how do you not like summer?" - Probable reader
I do. Sun? Aight. Beaches? Cool. Bikinis? Sign me up. Heat? No. You ruin the equation, heat. I've never been a fan of heat. Just this past winter I never put on more than my tshirt and spring jacket. A/C is my lifeline in the summer, right above rolled down car windows.

Here's a situation: you're cold. You put on more clothes, blammo, you're good. Still cold? More clothes, heat packs, whatev. Now you're hot. You take off all the clothes, and you're still hot. Now you're naked, and people are staring. You're still hot. TOO BAD THAT'S AS FAR AS YOU GET.

That's about it. I will begrudgingly enjoy your comments about how you love summer, and actually enjoy your comments about not enjoying summer.

Monday, June 06, 2011

"Was it good for you too?" "I've had better"

Just wanted to pop in quickly and ask what everyone thinks of the place so far. I'm probably not going to change much design-wise past this, but if there's something you want to see, let me know in the comments. Colours, positioning of stuff, whatever, let's hear it.

And that quote for the title? Yes, I've told a girl I've had better. Not the smartest move.

EDIT: I got a good suggestion. I think it's a bit too subtle...


Sunday, June 05, 2011

You check out Guitar George, he knows all the chords

So I actually set an alarm this morning. Got up at 9:30, not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be. It's nice being showered, dressed, and ready for whatever. Especially considering I wouldn't even be up by now otherwise.

Any musicians following? I'm getting some good guitar practice in. It's a pretty cheap guitar (Pacifica), but I'm still somewhat of a beginner. I do a (very) small bit of piano too, and can hold a beat with drums. And I guess if you know guitar, you know the basics of bass.

Bass. I don't get that word. It's pronounced base. It looks like bass (bah-ss). English is a wonky language sometimes. Hell, make up a new word for it! Bayse. Baise. Something like that.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Road Raaaage

I'm a pretty laid back guy. I don't get mad at things everyone else would. I thought I was just never angry. I am. I just save it all for when I drive.

It's awful, really. Seeing someone like me turn into a cursing inferno behind the wheel. I find I combo-swear at people. Fuckshitter. Assbitch. I knew it went to far one day when I thought one lady as a "cunt violin." That doesn't even make sense.

Stupid Sleep

I really need to start setting alarms on my days off. I woke up a bit and saw that it was only 8:30, figured I could get another hour or so in. Bam, it's now after noon. I know it's only a few hours of awake time in the morning, but it feels like so much longer when you actually do it. I'm now making breakfast at 2pm.

Friday, June 03, 2011

An Introduction

Hello there. I created this blog... for no real reason, actually. Thought it might be nice to do some more writing. "About what?" you may ask. Hopefully not aloud, or it may seem strange that you're talking to your computer. "Whatever I want," is what I reply (in text, still not big on talking at my computer). So, sit back and read whatever it is I choose to complain or comment about.