Friday, August 26, 2011

Us Crazy Methane Men

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. And, in my continued goal to talk about things nobody else does but we all share anyway, I bring you my presentation on farts.

Flatulence. Cutting the cheese. Passing wind. Lettin' 'er rip. We all do it (except girls, they never fart).

Seriously, nothing bad can come from this.

The wonder of farts is that there are so many different ones. "How many different ways can you expel gas from your rectum?" you ask. Did you? No? Oh. Well, I'll pretend you did and outline some different types of farts.

The Flash: You're just chillin', minding your own business. No signs of digestive turbulence. Then, suddenly, after bending over or in mid-stride, you fart. No warning signs, no pressure buildup, just an instant fart. You feel confused and betrayed by your rectum for not stopping that or warning you.

The Mustard Gas: Now, this time you're prepared for your fart. You're by yourself (or with someone you really dislike), so you let it flow freely. Normally, you have a lapse of time before you smell it, if at all. No, not this one. The second that familiar rumbling reaches your ears, so does the stench. Stench is an understatement. This fart is right up there with the drunken Taco Bel morning farts, and it spreads instantly. This defies all science and you gently weep for your sense of smell, for it will never be the same after sampling this.

The No Show: Oh man, you can feel this one brewing. This will be your one and most triumphant fart. Your girlfriend is right next to you, you need this to be big. You brace yourself, knuckles white against the arms of the couch, and then.... *ffffff* What the fuck, anus, you let me down on that one. That sounds like a poof of dust should've come out.

The Impressive Loner: You're sitting alone somewhere, and let out the small amount of gas out. Then you immediately wish you had a recorder or camera or something because that was the single greatest fart you have ever produced and nobody was around to hear it! FUCK!


  1. Hahaha, the many categories of breaking wind.... yum.

  2. Haha creative stuff. I kinda wish i farted more.

  3. The drunken taco bell fart. HAhahah wow i am glad i dont have taco bell where i live

  4. good to know of this classification.
    I'm all too familiar with number 4.

  5. you never hear any good fart conversations